the respirater

By barri on Thu, 11-03-11, 00:57

Posted in Group:

my reality for what seems like forever . whooosh , whooosh , whooosh . i hear nothing else except the blood curdling , frantic screams of the other brutally broken patient's harrowing cries of pain . eventually , these can be the sounds that make your loved ones question whether they should pull the plug to put both of you out of misery . fighting to stay alive when my punctured lungs burned like smoldering embers in my battered chest and the fractures stung like shattered glass within me . i choked on my own gasping breath unable to mutter the slightest sound as the tubes infiltrated my airways . i long to cry out ; "why am i being restrained by these tubes when i did nothing to deserve this cruel inhumane punishment ? " all i wanted to do was to go home to the safety of my loving mate , to the comfort of my bed . i would stare at every second of the clock at my side as it mercilessly counted off the days of loneliness with no stimulation but a visit from a bellowing nurse insisting that i musn't pull the contraption from my mouth . the hours turned into days . the days turned into weeks yet the machine continued looming over me like an albatross . "someone please put me out of my misery " . i would scrawl in massive desperate words on the pad that replaced my ability to express myself normally . how many times must this nightmare revisit me sometimes nightly ? i awake frozen , dripping wet . i feel the crushing of my chest . i hear the roaring of the respirater . i cry out but can't be heard .. my reality for what seems like forever . throughout my day the cruel memories flash over and over again . i'm seemingly being tortured and for what ?

By bapearl on Thu, 11-03-11, 01:29

Hi barri,

I want to tell you that I feel the pain in your post, and your writing is excellent and so very expressive. Your loneliness and anguish are palpable and I thank you for sharing! God bless you!

bapearl

The Lord is my Shield, my Glory, and the Lifter of my head. [Psalm 3:3]

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By barri on Thu, 11-03-11, 01:53

bapearl , your kind support means the world to me as do your kind words in this fragile time ..

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By Johanna on Thu, 11-03-11, 05:17

Barri,
wow that is a powerful memory, it must have been unimaginably terrifying for you. having to relive it is even worse. i'm so amazed by your courage and willingness to share it with us. thank you. please keep posting. get it out of you as many times as you can. sending warm wishes.

a hero is someone who inspires you to risk the deepest and most vulnerable parts of yourself in order to learn to live in a way you never thought possible.

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By stanisz on Thu, 11-03-11, 13:13

dear barri, i lift you up to the Lord in writing this out i bless you and praise you. through the written word comes a great release and through this venue may you find the love and support you deserve here on support groups. your writing is eloquent as usual and your expression leaves us with no adequate words to say i am sorry please forgive. all my love, your prayer warrior.

...love and prayers and may the Lord Bless us All!

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By Suzee on Thu, 11-03-11, 13:27

Dear Barri, I held my breath as I read your post. I am so very sorry that you have to relive those memories over and over again. You are so incredibly strong and truly and amazing person. I too, am praying for you every single day!

Please know that I care so much about you and I send my love and hugs always!!!!

More gentle hugs, Suzee

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By unknown8 on Thu, 11-03-11, 14:59

Barri... you are one of the strongest, most corageous people I know. The more I hear of your pain and suffering, the more I admire how much strength you have within you. Your post is powerful, I can hear the silence around and just the excrutiating noise of the respirator taking over your thoughts. It must be awful to re-live this moment of your life. Please keep talking about it... dealing with it whilst you are awake can only help with dealing with it whilst you are asleep. Make sense? I know what I mean... LOL. You are always in my thoughts. Take care of yourself. Sending you bug hugs.... Lace xxx

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By unknown8 on Thu, 11-03-11, 15:16

LOL... I sent you "bug" hugs... I was going to edit it... but thought you would prefer the "bug" hugs to any big hugs!!

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By Oslek-1844 on Thu, 11-03-11, 23:54

‘Barri’ –

I appreciate you have allowed us fellow members into an intimate part of your life!

At times it is very hard to even remotely understand what another is facing unless they share! Here - you have done so! You have taken a very intense time in your life and conveyed to others what you experience on a routine basis – your nightmare!

An unwelcome guest who invites himself into your bed and into your dreams on a regular basis! An unwelcome guest who robs you of the peace that sleep can provide and then clouds much of your waking hours thereafter! An unwelcome guest who shows up as he pleases - without an invitation!

I read this right after you first posted it early this morning – and I didn’t know if you truly wanted any responses or not! I had to read your post numerous times (even saying the words out loud) to make sure I grasped everything you were telling us - what you were sharing and how it must have felt for you to experience! And as hard as it was to read about what my friend has gone through, it is also hard to deal with the knowledge that my friend goes through this experience time and time again in her nightmares!

I thank you for sharing, my friend!

You have told me I can’t save the world – and I now know that is true! I very much doubt I can save anything! But if I could save only one person in the world – please know – “that person would be you”!

Because you are my friend and I appreciate and value your friendship!

Your BFF - Mike

"Light Cannot Exist Without Darkness"

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By dare on Fri, 11-04-11, 05:02

words are truely impowering and you prove it so. you have a great gift in your writing that makes it not only understandable but visual. not a trauma I wish to relive as you have had to. myhat goes off to you. may God ease and heal this memory for you. hugs dare

I learnt:Life is what we make it , I can either embrace it whole heartedly or choose to let it to continuely weigh me down. New motto: unload when safe , dump completely others and punch holes where i can to let the rest seep out.

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By barri on Sat, 11-05-11, 04:54

i want u all to know how much you have touched me ...

johanna , your words of encouragement continue to inspire me just as your strength does . with u in my corner i will try to dig down deep to pull up more hidden memories that haunt me as i long to slumber . your blessings and praise mean the world to me and i know u mean them from the bottom of your heart . u are so right that the release from my soul has already been a great relief and i'm relieved to say the nightmare didn't visit me last night .

suzee , for u to call me strong is a resounding compliment that i will never forget .

my dearest lace , as your s.m. , the fact that u admire me means the world to me . your unwaivering support has been an incredible comfort and a godsend . when i have felt isolated u have always been there with a kind word to soothe me .

mike , my bff , the fact that u have claimed me as your friend makes it more special that my post has touched u . thank u for your kind words as i continue to attempt to conquer my demons . it makes me feel so special to know that u would want above all to save me .

dare , your prayers are special gifts .

with my love to all of you ...barri

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By unknown8 on Sun, 11-06-11, 15:22

You are very welcome. Here for you in any way that I possibly can be... Always. Bug hugs!! xx

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By grasshopper on Fri, 11-11-11, 12:28

Oh barri ! i am so sorry you have experienced so much! It sounds absolutely terrible and you are brave to keep putting one foot in front of the other each day!
Please know you are not alone! As others have said, big hugs to you, big hugs to you! Hugs are the best.
grasshopper

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